Its insanely awkward. And then people wouldnt call, and theyd say things to me later like, Oh, I didnt hear from you so I thought you didnt want to get together. So frustrating, as is that other Northern California custom of texting someone on the day of an event to say, Are we still getting together at X time? Well, of course we are I agreed, right? I wrote letters. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. It may not be rude to you (and certainly is less invasive than just showing up), but as the comments here make clear there are a whole lot of people who dont like it when a friend invites herself to their home. And if that doesn't work, then simply tell him the truth. Again, its probably fine in passing, as in yes, Susie Cream Cheese mentioned her mom had come to visit when she and I had coffee the other week or whatever. In those circumstances, you dont enjoy cleaning much, I can tell you. And as an aside, its not stupid to not think of the landline, at all. Oh god. You watch for the car and come out, or even sit on the front step and wait for your ride. I went to see my parents for the weekend and had a lovely time. So go her! I completely plan to be where we said, when we said! 2. About half of the time the idea of having an unexpected guest fills me with dread because I have used up all my dealing-with-people energy (probably some time in the course of my long work week) and the guest is interrupting my VERY IMPORTANT time alone with my xbox or a book. Girl, if cooking is one of your love languages then there is no better way to show him you care by making a delicious home-cooked meal. I personally would have been thrilled if OP had dropped by to show off their new bike but clearly that doesnt work for their friend. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. But Im also very careful to err on the side of caution with their boundaries, because I know they wont tell me if I violate them; theyll just be angry and pretend not to be. There are old social scars that still ache. He's not going to know your reasoning for wanting to come over and will be more likely to turn you down. I dont know why, still. But say a person you see every now and again text saying something like ' I will come over in 3 days time to see you. A poignant reminder of how people often desperately cling to the shreds of a relationship, even though they probably already know in their heart that it has already slipped away. Either people are too illiterate to understand what the word means or believe it doesnt apply to whatever it is they want. And by you I mean me. A group of friends may be totally open to new people joining them, but are so close with each other they unintentionally give off an air of being exclusive. On the other hand, if you tend to be a little more of a "dead weight" friend, or are actively off-putting in some way, then everyone's less likely to appreciate you trying to horn in on their plans. But it was one of the hugest fights of a very fighty relationship. And no expectations of hospitality or cleaning, just hey, was passing and saw you were home! It was always tacitly acknowledged that it was literally a Hi/bye!. When I was young it was normal to go knock on someones door, but you always either invited them outside to play or over to your house, you never invited yourself in. but the child in question left my kid a quivering wreck after any play time. My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. I havent seen anyone else since I got stuck here, and it is horrible, but Im vulnerable, and need to enforce my boundaries for the time being. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. understanding what the other person wants you to do or say about it I was going to post something about how poly relationships can make this complicated, but your post points out that a lot of that really does get contained in two-person relationships too. Advance notice gives us time to put on Social Face (brush hair, brush teeth, put on clothes that dont do double duty on a scarecrow or Halloween decoration, plus whatever tidying up around the house/shame cleaning we feel compelled to do) and to sort out our work/chore schedule around the visit. But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. Customize an invitation for a birthday party, baby shower, or holiday celebration, and deliver instantly by text message or email. You'll not only get invited to that person's house, but you may fill up all the rest of your free time with other people. I hate to say it, but what if they just didnt feel like seeing you that day? Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Even worse, for me, than people who show up at my door without warning and expect to be let in are people who show up my door without warning and expect me to come out. I have two minds about dropping inpartly, I really like it because of my mental issues, I can go from I need to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time to I would feel significantly better with company in a very short amount of time that can foil even the best-laid plans. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. ". I dont see whats wrong with this type of text (or phone call) in general, though if a person has anxiety about getting texts / phone calls, I wouldnt do it so as to respect their feelings. Be blunt. I wow. I am not at your beck and call. Any suggestions for dealing w/ people who refuse to respect clearly stated boundaries around these issues? I didnt say your way forward was easy, mind. It seems like every time Im breastfeeding the baby topless I hear my MIL calling, hello? from upstairs. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. The Captains given some good general guidelines, but when it comes to the specific relationship between the LW and this friend, I think in some ways its simpler, because its an individual. Plus, Im mostly talking about making plans with friends who arent BFFs. Bye oops grab the dog please. This might just be me though, I come from a conservative latinx household, so even the thought of constantly being over at someone's house is a bit uncomfortable to me. But from the rest of what you say, it sounds like maybe this guy was bad news and always pissed off with you, and certainly his reaction sounds pretty extreme and you sound pretty shaken about what should have been maybe a case of being mildly miffed and saying please can you not do that not screaming at you and being sarcastic. Its the soft no issue. I was always transgressing somehow and he would get so angry, and I was always left thinking, wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. In the LWs case, I agree that your friend is giving very clear please dont drop by unannounced signals. Then if the friend wants to, she can suggest you come to her house but if shes not up for that, she can decline altogether or agree to meet up elsewhere without feeling like she was put on the spot. I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. I have a No Soliciting sign outside of my door, and usually I dont answer it if Im not expecting anybody (after peeking through the spy hole to see if its someone I know. You're not a late-night option and you're certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. The house was never in fact very dirty and usually was fairly presentable even without the deep-clean, but my mom was ashamed and embarrassed by any perceived imperfection that she thought others would notice. I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! Its not a thing where assumptions will actually pay off. Even if it was their idea. I know its immature, but I dont want to cut all ties, and I have to deal with them in some kind of way that doesnt make me feel so anxious and on edge. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. And some guys think women really like to be cooked for, so he could have good intentions. But I am not likely to become someone whose housekeeping and decorating skills occasion effusive positive comment. I also feel discomfort from the other side, when Im the person who could have conceivably been involved but am not. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. Let your life and worth ethic speak for itself. You don't need a whole lot of luggage, and it might be a little scary if he sees you lugging in an entire makeup counter. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? You know, I was- Sometimes people will ask me this less than two hours after the original making of the plan. I dont really see the problem there, you were invited, you didnt want to go so you declined. if people are really always deflecting blame away from themselves and harming the relationship, there are ways to get that point across gently, as part of a dialogue, without silencing. . *deep breaths* Until then, however, I'm not available for get-togethers at my house." One night at around midnight one of them (we shall call her Britney) woke my by pounding on my door with such ferocity that I thought there must be an emergency, so I opened the door. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. We laughed and cried together. However, we dont live near Vacation Place, so we never get invited to their places, its always them wanting to show up when we arrive. Thats one culturally-specific example, and I dont want it to create a spiral of you/everyone-who-reads-this second-guessing the reality of everyones invitations, but I think there is something that you can adapt from it, dear Letter Writer:If a soon/later/in the near future suggestion by you or invitation from someone else seems unclear, clarify it by suggesting or asking about a definite time and place. I have a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree, and a B.A. They went to it cheerfully! But if its someone Im not intimate enough with to say that to, then sufficient advance notice is required so I can say nope, I was about to take a nap check with me in an hour if you are still around. My parents put up with it because faaaaaaaaaaammmilyyyyyyyy. Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. Do you need to get past the 3rd date first? Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. So, if you like a guy and want to invite yourself over to his place, then there are many tips you can try. For the chronic advice-givers, this usually takes me repeatedly saying I know youre trying to help, but Im just venting right now so I dont want advice, thanks. I used to get REALLY angry about it, but eventually I realized that most people arent my horribly abusive family: they are genuinely trying to help, and will stop once you tell them that its not helping, rather than continuing until you start crying uncontrollably and agreeing to do whatever they say. Well, is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago? Im also really careful not to ask my daughter for her preferences unless I really plan on taking them into consideration. Maybe. I also have a school-state, in my role as a student. What about a SO situation? I dont live my life in such a way that Im always prepared for unexpected visitors. If someone asks what I am doing or was doing [at such and such a time] and the detailed answer is something fun without you. If I answer at all I say I had dinner plans with a friend how was your weekend? or I had a bunch of stuff going on- I am actually kind of glad to be back to work. But thats really about it. ? And its always after the fact so by the time theyre talking about the next outing theyve forgotten all about how I used my words before, and Im just as uncomfortable inviting myself along as always. Of course we told them no. (Polite noises can be Anyway, it was good to see you; I guess I should head out and let you get back to stuff?), I get where youre coming from, and there are some benefits to brutal honesty, but not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends.. Asking people not to do something theyre already doing is much more fraught territory than letting someone know its okay to do something theyre not doing. Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? This may help put to rest frustrations I sometimes feel about issues where my preference runs counter to that of most people. Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. With friends along! 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