It's easier than figuring out how to bring something up. The affair has changed that for me. They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. I also remember a few years ago my husband saying he would honor his boring commitment. Guess The Turd does more interesting things like eat sushi, try to look phat and fresh, and try to be a hipster. But where is my security? f. I can and will choose PEACE for my life. Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. Now I am thinking of calling it quitsnever thought I would feel this way..worked so hard to keep my marriage together.but Ive been at this now for 4 years and still not sure if one day he is going to come home and say he is leaving. And that choice requires both daily practice and unwavering commitment. Sometimes I feel like we divorced while staying married. He never wants to go anywhere, do anything or even really spend time together. At least mine was, for a while. She does not know our situation. Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. Im totally fascinated by what people have to say about infidelity and its helpful in challenging myself about what I think. Ive never really figured out how to process my first marriage and all it involved. I felt gutted. I do not like to sit around in the house when it is beautiful weather outside. I say grow up, be bored and count yourself lucky you have the luxury to be bored. Rachel, my prayers are with you, Im so relieved your children are with you,. He did help out by having someone come in once a week and do the heavier cleaning. Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. I finally decided that she will never appreciate how much I did for herbefore or after her cheating. I realized that I was not bored because I was always giving to our marriage and familyshe was the taker which meant she was always waiting for something to be given to her or to happen for her. If you feel like. I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. I cant go on like this forever. And while that might sound easy enough, many of the common phrases we say in our daily lives can get in the way of achieving the goal of keeping an open dialogue between spouses. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. Linda claims it was the other two women that were doing all of the complaining (uh, huh) and the core complaints were that their husbands never wanted to do anything and were basically boring stick-in-the-muds. Try to understand and support his new goals. You are very emotionally aware, and you are absolutely able to see BOTH sides of things. It was a little thing, but it allowed you to keep up to date with the important (and, yes, sometimes the not so important) goings on in each other's lives. Over time I discovered that her POSOM didnt spend a dime on herexcept for cheap hotel rooms. Yet he is still here, just as is your h. Why couldnt he show me that he could drop her, when I was feeling good about myself. Im also in the best shape of my life because of it (not because of her, but my self-determination to improve myself and keep on challenging myself). Good advise eg. You might feel like youre not good enough or that hes finding someone else to replace you. c. I need to stay true to who I am. I am sure that when most of us look back they realize how little effort the cheater put into any of those things prior and during the affair. It is so easy to make our lives about our kids. How profound. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? Doug, I know you were joking but knowing Linda and what you guys have learned through hard experience, I am willing to bet she did very, very little husband bashing. If you are struggling to find a boyfriend OR can't get quality men to commit to you then read this post to find out why. Ayyy ahora si ya les cuento todito lo que pas De verdad que miedo See he would watch me falling and he would hold his hand out to her to help her up. I want to see that worried look on my h face, but you know Im not sure I will see it, I was looking good while in his affair fog and he still told me I could lose more, I painted the whole house on my own and he put that down too, all while in the fog. He stops asking about your life. I had counseled with Jed diamond who believed he is depressed but my husband will not even consider this. Where is the feeling that what I have devoted the last THIRTY years of my life to, has mattered? And here are 9 ways you can escape awkward conversations . Doug, I finally found my balls and filed for divorce. I dont really think badly of my husband. or situations/content involving minors, Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. EG, I was indeed joking as she playing the role of advisor, not basher. Problem is, is that when I do, he texts or calls me frequently asking when Ill be home. Your story proves my point. He has friends, hobbies, and other commitments that compete for his time. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. Its his fault for not paying enough attention. The excitement and stimulation came from the illicitness of what they were doing sneaking around on their spouses like teenagers. I don't think . It can often take the form of giving you the silent treatment . While some marriages are beyond repair, most are not. Exercise grace, this is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get through to Eyes Opened about. Some people are able to deal with reaching those limits in a healthy way (seeking help, being honest, or even leaving) and others implode. Some are more compelling than others but every body has one. I have one on my free resource page. Take care. All Rights Reserved. At least you are trying. He has become a public figure, and the repercussions are potentially enormous. I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. Im sure my husbands girl friend was skinny and she really does think she is superior based on that. You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. Refusal to go for walks could be signs of an underlying behavioral issue. Dear Carolyn: My husband does not want to spend alone time with me, leaving me feeling frustrated. Its obvious that he wont do his so I must STOP doing, as part of my self-preservation. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. What a crock! They are NOT as unhappy as they profess themselves to be. You deserve to have a marriage that doesnt just survive - it thrives! Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. As a result, I feel unimportant, invisible, and alone. Go out and start doing things you want to do. Travelling alone is a whole new experience and in my experience, you meet people wherever you go. Self-destruct, and take the easy way out. The lack of confidence was not about my career or who I was outside of our marriage. He still waits for my direction and Ive stopped doing all I did because he wont put any responsibility onto himself. My husband did, I did, my affair partner did, my husbands affair partner did, every body who ever cheated did, lol. You can be bored, stressed, depressed, or a whole host of other emotions on ANY given day. Routine can also lead to emotional isolation in marriage. It's an example of his own insecurity and need to control you. Our social lives can revolve a bit too much THROUGH our kids. But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. I feel like Im slowly being snuffed out. Real boyfriends take their girlfriends out on dates. Stay strong. First, that you need to be true to yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in . I love to be out and do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc. It runs in his family and he has suffered with it and sleep disorder for years. Your husband may be experiencing depression and you may want to invite him to take a depression test on-line. The real reason is that the person reached a point where they became so selfish that this activity became ok in their own eyes. Cheated twice? To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. These are the games she played, along with you promised me thus, you promised me that, boo hoo. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. Rachel Time will tell. The cheating spouse still seems to be calling the shots. even if it was my high school boyfriend that I felt was my true love at the time? That made it interesting to them I suppose. I heard the boredom comment as well. HA. Now I have more expectations. We've been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. So you are either In or Out on this one. Besides, Im a fun person and I do like to do sh*t! It can only be inspired. I gained weight after the birth of my child, I admit. Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what's been happening in the marriage. Now he helps make the bed every morning or it doesnt get made. I can see where boredom could be a contributing factor to cheating, especially at work, lol. It had an article about trauma recovery that said basically you are healed when you can review the trauma in a non emotional way. Remember what the marriage vows say? Have a sneaking suspicion that your husband is unsatisfied with your marriage? Weve been married 42 years. When approaching your husband about this, don't criticize or apportion blame as this can put the other person on . Literally in our home, in our space, with a very good friend all part of a couple etc.. a friendship grew and grew and he did nothing at all to stop it. Donot tell him your every move. Don't think your heavy sighs and the comments made under your breath are going unnoticed. My husband doesn t like spending time with my family, but why? There is no reason to feel guilty if you attend a dinner with a girlfriend if your husband would prefer to not go and is fine with you attending. Ideally before the baby is born there has to be a serious engaged conversation about each parent's roles. Weve been in your shoes and are in a unique position to put all of our experiences both good and bad, successes and failures and use them to help lead you out of the pain and into a better place. In other words, I'm a good person! We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. And Im but judging her about this, Im just commenting on it. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). Depression and anxiety are both exhausting illnesses, so you must take care of yourself. What about commitment as a daily choice? Does that excuse me got cheating on him? Im glad its over for you. But after she left, he was angry. Don't get in a relationship where the main traits of a person irritates, you and don't expect those traits to just magically disappear just because you get married, Have a discussion where things do not move on until he starts answering questions, He gets on medication or he starts seeing someone to get his depression under control. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. If he's super passive aggressive or he doesn't like confrontation, this could be his way of telling you that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. I cant help but ask myself is it worth it? If your husband is spending more time with friends, at work, or on his hobbies, it might be because hes found someone new to spend his time with. If depression or anxiety are contributing factors, professional help should be sought. My first husband seemedin control, too. Sometimes, your spouse needs some space and thats perfectly normal. She treated him better during their affair then she was treating me afterward. Stacy Taniguchi grew up as a Buddhist in Hawaii and joined the Church so that he could marry his girlfriend who was a Latter-day Saint. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. She wants me to take the lead with planning nights out, hikes, weekend trips, etc. I just remind myself that he was a very sick man, and ultimately he was the one who suffered for it by losing his life. I saw something somewhere that research indicates that 65% or more of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom. b. I let the selfish decisions of two very self absorbed people turn me into someone I am NOT. Im doing everything I can to bring the romance and passion back to our marriage while she acts miserable every day. And if your husband has told you outright that hes no longer attracted to you, its time for a serious conversation. I have even pointed a few of these things out to my husband, and said.gee, what would you have done if I acted/spoke like THAT? I have to basically threaten with taking away screen time almost every time it is time to do something. I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. My h was telling me on the weekend how his mistress told him, if I didnt want my children, how she would be so happy to raise them with him. In the midst of the fog, they can do no wrong, probably a fair way out of the fog too, before things start showing themselves for what it really was. Leaving Her Alone One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. 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